My Journey

All of us are on a journey in some way or another, and on different journeys at various points in our life. My health and wellness journey began after I had my first son, and my life was changed forever in so many ways. Children are truly a blessing and I am so grateful that I was able to bring life into this world, but I was not at all prepared to deal with many of the other aspects of motherhood that I didn’t feel many people really talked about (and really wish they did!). My hormones were a mess, I was struggling with postpartum depression, and having been diagnosed with Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis a few years prior, my health felt chaotic and I was at a loss. As a pharmacist trained in Western medicine, I followed what I believed to be all the right protocols and saw my doctors regularly, tried various medications, and saw therapists…my labs all looked good but I still didn’t feel “right.” I felt hopeless and couldn’t figure out what was “wrong” with me.

Fast forward through a year of various medications, therapy, etc., and I finally started to feel better. When my oldest, Christian, was 15 months, I found out I was pregnant again and I was not happy about it. It may seem selfish, but I felt that I had finally gotten past the post-partum phase and was finally feeling like myself…I just didn’t feel ready to go through it again. After a few weeks of tears, I came to terms with this pregnancy and started to get excited about bringing a new life into the world!

At my ten-week prenatal appointment, I had my first ultrasound. I’ll never forget that appointment…I unfortunately had an ultrasound technician that didn’t seem to understand proper bedside manner, and just as I was wondering to myself what the gender may be, the technician looked at me and said, “There’s no heartbeat. I’ll have to get the doctor.” I was stunned…the thought that it may not be a viable pregnancy did not even cross my mind during this pregnancy, and I instantly felt waves of guilt that maybe it was my fault. I hadn’t been excited about this pregnancy and the guilt was crushing. I remember sitting in my car afterwards crying, and my sister drove to my doctor’s office and sat with me for a while. She had gone through a miscarriage with her first pregnancy, so she understood what I was feeling.

I had to have a D&C, and after that procedure it was almost instant how fast the postpartum depression came back. It was after this miscarriage that I think everything really changed for me – I didn’t feel like myself for years afterwards. I started seeing an integrative psychiatrist and tried various supplements and non-prescription therapies, but I am really sensitive to any new oral therapy and get very nauseous and sick with certain meds, so I was not a very compliant patient (yes, I know, a noncompliant pharmacist….ironic, isn’t it??). I finally got on a prescription medication for mood disorders and it seemed to help, but unfortunately I gained over 20 pounds seemingly overnight. I stayed on the med for a while, but then found out I was pregnant again in early spring of 2014 and had to stop the medication. The weight, unfortunately, remained with me.

At this point, I felt like a mess. I was always stressed, was heavier and uncomfortable in my own skin, was always moody, and I had a ton of nausea with this pregnancy which I also experienced with both of my other pregnancies. I. Felt. Like. Crap. All the time. In November of that year, I fell down the stairs and broke my foot…that’s a separate post altogether lol, but I was on short-term disability and unable to walk. I had surgery on my right foot and was non-weight bearing for a total of almost 15 weeks. During this time I had my second son, Jacob, and surprisingly I handled the whole situation quite well (at least I thought I did!!). There was nothing I could do about it, and I had tons of help so I was really blessed.

However, I still felt like I was a stranger to myself. It wasn’t until June of 2016 when things started to change. I had stumbled upon the Whole30; I bought the book and read it in two days. I had a plan, and I started the program on June 20. I started documenting my journey on Instagram and after a rough first two weeks, I started to feel amazing. I couldn’t believe that for the first time in years, my diet made all the difference in the world. I pretty much continued with eating whole foods for four months and was finally feeling like myself again. My whole attitude towards life was different, and everyone noticed a huge difference. I even lost a total of 40 pounds!!! It was insane. I felt like I was on top of the world…

And then I got too comfortable. The holidays came around, and I kept telling myself I could have a bite of this here and there…but old habits came back so quickly. A few bites here and there through the holidays, while still maintaining my weight, made me overconfident. Slowly I started feeling moody again and eating more and more junk food, and the weight slowly crept back on. I spiraled quickly. During this time I realized that I’ve had issues with emotional and binge eating for years but didn’t really address these problems. I was right back where I started, and I felt even worse. I tried time and time again to do another Whole30 and I just couldn’t. I felt so stuck. I was overwhelmed with the daily demands of motherhood, I was experiencing a lot of stress with my job, and the thought of cooking anything put me over the edge. My days consisted of working 8-10 hours, and then “dealing” with the kids. Everyone in my household felt the stress I was feeling…and everyone was suffering.

In late September of 2018, I met with a new therapist. She said something that really stuck with me, and was the catalyst for what was about to come…she said, and I’m paraphrasing, “You know what you need to do. Everyone does…it just takes a lot of peeling the layers to really identify what that is.” That night, all I kept thinking was, I know. I do know what I want. I talked to my husband that night, and the next day I communicated to my boss that I was putting in my notice. My health was declining, and I just needed time to put the pieces back together. The anxiety was so bad that over the past year I had been dealing with panic attacks that were debilitating. They always happened at night, and there were so many times that I told my husband I felt like I was dying and was afraid I wouldn’t wake up the next morning. It was terrifying. I was too overwhelmed with life to know what to do, so I knew I needed to step away from what was my main stressor at the time to be able to heal.

Full disclosure, I did started taking a medication in late September to help with the anxiety, but that was only part of a host of changes I made to address my health issues. While I do now try more holistic measures first, I still believe in the power of medication when necessary and appropriate.

I left my job in mid-October on great terms. I started a few certification programs that I’ve been wanting to do for a long time and I’m spending a ton of time with my boys. I’m making sure I connect with family and friends regularly and nurturing the relationships that I hold so dear. There have also been struggles, because of course life isn’t perfect despite what social media tries to make us believe. My love/hate relationship with the kitchen continues and emotional eating is still an issue. Life throws tons of curveballs at you and it’s been up and down in the last seven months, but those details are for another post for sure!

I have some exciting and scary things coming up which will require me to get comfortable with being uncomfortable. I’m totally pushing myself out of my comfort zones and while some things are really hard to talk about now, I’ll definitely share when I am ready. I’ve always been an open book, and I hope that sharing my experiences will help others out there who may be feeling hopeless and lost as to what to do next. I’ve been there…you’re not alone, and I’m here for you.